nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
