She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize