i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
