I wannas sexs uuuuu
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
