Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
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