booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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