Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
and you fell through a lawn chair
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
