Don't make out with my wife yet
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I have fence marks all over my body
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize