Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
