Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
