You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
