she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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