A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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