i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I am midnight drunk by noon
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize