the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
