You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
