We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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