we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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