Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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