My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize