Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
