bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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