where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
