Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
