Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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