I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
