Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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