If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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