My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Watching her eat just hurts me
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
