He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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