So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I use my feet as sexual weapons
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
