just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Did I show you my penis last night?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize