she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize