I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Girls should come with a carfax report
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
