I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
