My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Randomize
