New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I could make wine with my vomit
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
