He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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