if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
