You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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