he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
