we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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