well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He passed out mid-signature
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
