wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
