people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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