The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
