so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
