Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
