At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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