I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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