Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
