Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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