I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You pole danced in your parka.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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