nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
