The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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