So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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