Banned from zoo.
Again?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So many bounce houses so little time
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
